( Can I be someone else for all the times I hate myself? )
-

( And I do want you to know I'll hold you up above everyone )

I found this scrawled on a piece of paper while cleaning my room. It's years old and feels a bit like my 14 year old self reminding me something about life.

"The greatest tragedy a person can commit is to give up their heart's desire for their desire of the moment."

I almost did recently and it's interesting that I found this quote at this moment in time.

The aftermath of one party seems to have nullified any chance of getting closer to the crush, obliterated several casual friendships, and destroyed a really close one.

Jesus shitfuck.

The last day of high school felt so utterly strange. I feel like I should be ecstatic or sobbing, or something. I feel like today should have been significant in some way. But nothing special happened. I didn't even see anyone today, didn't take pictures, didn't drink it all in. You never do appreciate things as they're happening, or people as you know them, and now it's over. It feels so sudden, regardless of the fact that I was worn down by high school for the last few months and couldn't wait to be free. It wasn't just like that, but it sure as hell feels like it.

Today was unspecial in every way. There were no heartfelt goodbye hugs or have a nice summers, and even taking down the collage felt cold. My locker collage this year was only half filled up. Like that collage, this year feels like it's only been half lived.

I had a second chance at a senior year and I still feel like I didn't do enough, savour enough.

Maybe my nostalgic way means I'll simply never be satisfied, always wanting more out of something than it can possibly give me.

Bye, Carroll. I'm not a Carroller anymore. Not a high school student. I hated your walls when I didn't love them, and it was torture when it wasn't bliss. And like the institutionalized sod I am, I want to be locked away again in the comfort of the monotony.

I am empty, numb. I thought I'd feel relief, or joy; mourning and nostalgia. But it's just over. I wish I felt something real.

-

Just flipped through a friend's last day album and I'm really frustrated and sad now because she had the perfect last day. I am so fucking sick of tasting the bitterness of regret and jealousy. You hear that, regret and jealousy? I'm done with you.

I will softly pull away
In this broken beautiful mess I've made
And in the dead of quiet I will slowly fade
In this masterpiece I made

I'll burn out and slip away
And this is just a part I portray
You're beautiful, can I hide in you and stay here

They keep mostly to themselves
Hush now, they'll hurt you till your heart melts
They know you're lonely, and they will only break your heart
And this masterpiece will tear you apart

It seems like anyone that used to give a damn has turned into a douche bag. Guess I can't complain, with the levels of jack assery in the air, I wouldn't want to be around them. Doesn't mean it doesn't still sting.

Maybe the world is just easier when everyone is held at arms length.

Carroll finally had a food fight today and, trust my luck, I'm in the hallway oblivious and it gets shut down so quickly I miss it entirely. I've wanted to participate in a cafeteria food fight for ages and I'm rather bummed I missed out. It's so close to the end of the year they'll be watching us all like scary creepers.

=[ Ah, well. I'm sure something wacky and awesome will happen before all is said and done... I hope there's one last shebang to remember high school by.

This seriously makes me feel warm inside.

I am flailing like the fangirl I am.

Blink 182, All American Rejects, and Fall Out Boy are allll coming to the dome on July 30! All three bands are in my list of bands to see live so I am pretty freakin stokkked!

[of course the whole "I have no money" thing is kind of a huge issue I have to tackle but the big ass prize at the end of the tunnel is so worth it]

oh, christ.

Seriously, world? Seriously?

Because I am retarded, it took me a few days to realize the episode of Grey's I thought was the finale was actually the one prior to it. Because of this, I was veryyyy spoiled on the John-Doe-Being-George thing, and I was expecting near death ness all episode and yet all the same I want to just scream Fuck you, Grey's Anatomy.

The last bit of this season has been absolutely superb and that includes the huge ass finale but dear God, THEY CAN'T KILL OFF MAIN CHARACTERS. Especially not GEORGE!!!! I love him! So, so, soooo much. The elevator scene with him in military gear made me want to cry.

Stupid writers. Stupid Shonda. He gets shafted all season and now they're gonna just randomly kill him off? WHAT THE FUCK?!

I am pissed. But mainly sad.

-

In other news, I feel like I am imploding in on myself. And the affects are richoceting into every single person I come into contact with.

So in other words, I feel shittier than I've possibly ever felt; if I'm being a bitch, trust me- it's not you, it's me.

UGH. I just came home from a party in which the guy I met last week, who had called me two days ago to tell me that he couldn't do anything with me at this party due to the fact that he's uncomfortable with the fact that his recent ex would be there, spent the whole fucking night hooking up with the other girl he met last week. Last week, this girl and I shared him as a cuddle buddy and OF COURSE he chooses her. I'm really pissed off because he was such a goddamn pussy that he couldn't even just TELL me that yeah, I'm kind of semi involved with the other chick now, sorry. No, he had to make up some bull shit excuse and insult my intelligence. Douche nozzle prick.

And then Annoying Bitch Girl who is close friends with Hot Jake spent the night being twatlike and bringing up Hot Jake as often as humanly possible- 'oh haha, yeah I slept over at Jake's house...', 'haha yeah so I was talking to Jake about this-and-this'... FYI, I'm pretty much a groupie of Hot Jake right now. He's supremely popular at school and it felt like ABG was bringing him up because she knew we knew him, to slap us in the face that yeah, she's close with one of the hottest guys in the school, and oh yeah she's so popular. I wanted to punch her in the face.

Between the fact that I was sitting right beside the couch Douche Nozzle Boy and Tool Girl were making out, forced to listen to Annoying Bitch Girl, and had a distinct shortage of booze, this was an extremely fail party and a really shitty Saturday night. I should have stayed home.

I've realized something. People get all rawr at me for being flakey but I'm only flakey because I am a retard who absolutely loathes going places alone. Like, if I'm supposed to meet friends at a club and the friend(s) I have who were going to meet up with me before hand to waddle down together bails out, I'll bail out. Even if I know a person or two at the actual club. The prospect of wandering into a club/party by myself even to meet up with people I know intimidates me. How sad is that?

Also, we rarely if ever plan a method of getting home and this thought is a lotttt less scary when you're stuck something with someone else in the same predicament. I get the feeling that if I went regardless of my commute buddies bailing, I'd be so fucked up the ass. And you know, quite possibly mugged and raped on my drunken walk home from across the city :P.

In conclusion, I reallyyy ought to work on becoming more freaking independent.

Every time I see an insect in my house, especially a spider, I freak out and start worrying I have an infestation. Bugs scare the living crap outta me x(

Argh. I was just on FML and people are just attacking this guy for being a smoker. It annoys the shit out of me, even though I know they have a very valid point. I mean, I know it kills you and blah blah blah but so does any person who chooses to smoke. It sucks up money and life span and you know what? If they choose to do it regardless, let them fucking do it. The stigma is insane.

The way I see it, most things in this life will hurt or kill you in some way anyways. There's no chance in hell I'd live without my sugarcoma munchies or grease rolled fat, so why the hell should I jump down someone's throat for doing something that feels good for them, harmful or not?

( So I get carried away when I get into these types of rants... )

I feel like crap and every time I get this miserable, I feel even worse because I hate being that whiney pathetic girl who's so damn negative. Usguehh.

Can't I just disappear? Just for a little while?

-I should watch less TV/ spend less time in front of a screen.

This feels like the worst spring break ever and it hasn't even been two full days yet.
I'm bored as fuck, alternate between feeling like an antisocial hermit and just lonely with an intense need to be with people. I'm sick of who I am, I'm sick of everything I've surrounded myself with. I don't know how to break free, but I want to be different. I want it all to be different.

No matter how much I've changed, how much time has passed, how much weight I've lost, how many friends I've gained, how much money I'll make, how many boys might love me, I feel in my gut that I will always, always be that stupid, pathetic little girl who nobody talked to.

My mother keeps saying how your friends are always temporary, how they'll always leave you and all you've really got is your family. She means this in a 'we're forever bonded woo' way but I'm starting to realize that maybe she's right- and if that's true, well I sure as hell do not have my family and if friends are fleeting, which I'm starting to believe they are, then maybe I really have nobody. At all. The sense of loneliness in contemplating that makes me want to hole away forever in a dark room of self pity. She asked me about grad, to which I responded, "I have no dress, no limo, and no date. I'm probably not going." I had always intended on going to grad up until she asked me, and the words I said surprised me. The patheticness of it all hit me as I said that and I started to cry.

I hate that I'll have the ridiculous, inexplicable urge to push everybody away, to ignore them all, and then when they do finally leave me alone and move on, I'll need them again. And they will have moved on, obviously. I'm such a goddamn headcase.

I sulked in a hole all day, not paying attention to my phone, and then I decide to get showered and make myself look good only to be ignored in turn by the people I regularly snub. It shouldn't be surprising, I certainly deserve it, but the fact remains that I feel hopeless and alone and I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go.

I am drunk =)
And rather happy
And it's probably sad/alarming that this is possibly the best I've felt all week.

AHHHH!
Calgary Comic Expo this year is bringing us Jewel Staite, Sean Astin, Ando from Heroes, Ballard from Dollhouse, and Neville from HP!!!!

WHO IS PSYCHED?!

And it's only $25 for a two day pass if you get 'em now! April 25 & 26.